"Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool"

"'To put this into perspective, the amount Americans spend on cool looking haircuts is nearly 15 times greater than the total amount spent on cancer research,' said Eric Gerhardt, noted economist and lead author of the report. 'Whether it's name-brand sneakers, an all-in-one espresso maker, or a pair of hip and stylish Ray-Ban sunglasses, we devote tremendous resources each year toward our conspicuous attempts at stature enhancement.'
"'It's pretty much an epidemic at this point,' the 52-year-old professor added before pausing momentarily to adjust a small gold earring in his freshly pierced earlobe."

From The Onion.