A couple of classics from The Onion:
Roof On Fire Claims Lives Of 43 Party People
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster
Saturday, December 23, 2006
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"And let me conjure you, in the name of our common country--as you value your own sacred honor--as you respect the rights of humanity, and as you regard the military and national character of America, to express your utmost horror and detestation of the man who wishes, under any specious pretences, to overturn the liberties of our country, and who wickedly attempts to open the floodgates of civil discord, and deluge our rising empire in blood." --George Washington, 1783
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