"Optimistic Researchers Say There Still Time to Head Off Climate Change Before It Starts Killing Rich People"

"Despite its overall conclusion, the report stated that the climate crisis had already worsened to the point at which rich people really ought to start thinking about selling their private islands in the Caribbean."

From The Onion.

"We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You"

"Fascist regimes have classic, telltale traits, like vilifying immigrants, adopting patriotic symbolism of their nation's glorious past, embracing a narrow definition of masculinity and family values, and striving for economic and diplomatic self-sufficiency. But just because we also do all of those things does not make us fascists. That the unhinged left insists otherwise is proof that we're really the victims in all of this. Which is why we must apprehend and silence our critics in self-defense."

From Carlos Greaves at McSweeney's.

Have I Got an Act for You

"Provenza and I talked about that a little bit, and I said, 'It's interesting, we hear Miles Davis and Coltrane play over the same changes, but we never hear different comics tell the same joke.' That sentence was kind of revelatory."

Brian VanHooker at Cracked presents "An Oral History of 'The Aristocrats' with Penn Jillette and Paul Provenza."

"Guy Tasked With Censoring British Rap Song in Way Over His Fucking Head"

"'I've gotta be honest, I have no fucking clue what I'm doing here,' Boyd said helplessly as he combed through the lyrics to the song 'Hasslin' Grassers.' 'Not only do I have to find the swear words, but I also have to discern their severity to see if they need to be blocked out. I mean, "plonker"? "Chav"? Are these bad, and if so, how bad? We can say "hell" and "damn" here, but we can't say "shit" or "fuck," so how do these British words compare to those? My boss needs me to have this done by tomorrow, so I'm at a total loss as to what I'm going to do.'"

From The Hard Times.

"A Company Reminder for Everyone to Talk Nicely About the Giant Plagiarism Machine"

"The way I see it, we're family. It really does disappoint me that so many brilliant colleagues—whose genuine breakthroughs I've profited from for years—would be so quick to condemn this newer, stupider way that I and others like me can make money off your life's work, through stealing."

So writes Amanda Bachman at McSweeney's.

"Furious Trump Cancels 'Atlantic' Subscription After 48 Years"

"'Their long-form journalism has stayed on point for years, long after most publications abandoned anything longer than 1,000 words, so it's a real shame. It's Mother Jones for me from now on. That, or I try n+1. I've been hearing really good things about it from Hegseth.'"

From The Onion.

"Corporate Restructuring Leads to Mass Layoffs at C+C Music Factory"

"'These changes are definitely necessary, but a lot of good workers are being sent home today. Of course we'll miss them, but it's now time for us to move forward as the nation's prominent supplier of dance music.'"

From The Hard Times.

"Punk Really Needs You to Understand He Hates Hippies in a Jello Biafra Sort of Way, Not a Ronald Reagan Sort of Way"

"'Hating things that right-wingers famously detest is typically tough to maneuver. For instance, a left-leaning person always has to say he hates Bud Light in a craft IPA drinker sort of way and not in the Kid Rock sense, even though neither option is ideal. Democrats also need to reiterate that they don't approve of the NFL because of CTE, not due to Colin Kaepernick. Somehow, Republicans ruined the concept of hate for everyone.'"

From The Hard Times.

"Voting for the Mayor Who Promised to Blow Up the City Doesn't Mean I Approve of the Mayor Blowing Up the City"

"So, no, I'm not 'happy now' that our zoo has been turned into an open-air animal mausoleum. But of the options I had, only one mayor promised to completely change the city. And you know what? At least he is doing something. It may kill a lot of people. It may leave others without homes or jobs. But I respect a man of action, regardless of what that action is and whether or not it's going to make things better or worse."

So writes Mike Drucker at McSweeney's.

""What, Me Worry?' Was the Slogan of a Holy Fool, Wiser Than the Know-It-Alls, and Forever Young"

"By 1960 MAD had conquered the teenage market. According to some estimates, it was read by most American college students and almost half the country's high school students (at least the male ones). Believe it or not, MAD would become even more popular in the next dozen years."

Tablet runs an excerpt from David Mikics's The MAD Files: Writers and Cartoonists on the Magazine that Warped America's Brain!

"Welcome to Autumn, Fuckheads!"

"I may even throw some multi-colored leaves into the mix, all haphazard like a crisp October breeze just blew through and fucked that shit up. Then I'm going to get to work on making a beautiful fucking gourd necklace for myself. People are going to be like, 'Aren't those gourds straining your neck?' And I'm just going to thread another gourd onto my necklace without breaking their gaze and quietly reply, 'It's fall, fuckfaces. You're either ready to reap this freaky-assed harvest or you’re not.'"

McSweeney's reposts Colin Nissan's "It's Decorative Gourd Season, Motherfuckers."

"Investigation Finds Secret Service Failed To Account For Nation's 393 Million Guns"

"'Despite countless past warnings, the Secret Service failed to heed the real threat posed to the former president by the hundreds of millions of firearms in the hands of everyday Americans,' said Rep. Mark Green (R-TN), the committee's chair, who called upon Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle to resign due to her 'shocking negligence' in failing to address decades of evidence pointing to a dramatic rise in the number of rifles, pistols, and shotguns in circulation around the country."

From The Onion.

"Avant-Garde DJ Really Gets The Dance Floor Thinking"

"'When that crazy-ass meditative soundscape dropped, everybody on the floor just started ruminating like wild,' said nightclub patron Lydia Wallace,"

From The Onion.

"Fiscally I'm A Right-Wing Nutjob, But On Social Issues I'm Fucking Insanely Liberal"

"It's all about striking a balance, really."

From The Onion, 2011.

No Laughing Matter

"Consider Dave Chappelle's Niggar Family sketch on Chappelle's Show. The sketch used a 1950s black-and-white family sitcom aesthetic like that of Leave it to Beaver (1957-1963). It centered around a white, middle class family with the last name 'Niggar.' Everyone in it is white except 'Clifton the Colored Milkman' (played by Chappelle) and his wife. The novelty of the sketch was the prevalence of the n-word and its attachment of Black stereotypes to this white family because of their name. The sketch ends with Chappelle's character trying to get a table at a local restaurant when the host calls for 'Niggar, party of two.' Is he being called the n-word? No: he realizes that the teenage son of the Niggar family is there with a date. The Black couple laughs at the momentary confusion and Chappelle's character says, 'Oo-wee, this racism is killing me inside.' Chappelle's character recognizes the levity of the situation, but the sketch is haunting for how it fatalistically portrays the persistence of racism."

Brandon J. Manning at Post45 writes that "[f]or today's Millennial Black satirists, fatalism is not enough."

"Nelson Mandela Once Told Me, 'Coming to America Is So Important to Black People in Africa. It Is Like the Fairy Tale. It's Like Cinderella'"

"As the film's sequel, Coming 2 America, comes to Amazon Prime on Friday, the writers, singers, and actors behind the fake commercial—plus the NBA star who inspired it, musicians who cover it, celebrities who love it, and more—reveal the story behind a 35-second pop-culture masterpiece and its lasting impact on the world."

Jason Newman at Rolling Stone presents "The Definitive Oral History of 'Soul Glo.'"

"Don't Prosecute Gotham's Supervillains for Their Latest Scheme"

"I'm aware that I may not be the best person to deliver this message, given my absurd appearance, my reputation as a supervillain, my incessant giggling, and my deep and well-documented involvement in planning and executing the very criminal scheme I am now urging the city to ignore. As an expert in comedy, however, I can assure the people of Gotham that this is not a joke. Ask yourself one question: What's the downside for humoring me?" 

At Slate, the Joker makes his case.

"Amazon Offers New Blank Box Upcharge For Progressive Members To Discreetly Receive Prime Orders"

"The press release also explained that for an extra $2, each package could be branded with the logo of a struggling, non-profit bookstore that helps disenfranchised communities or a local farming co-op."

From The Onion.

"Rest of Country Temporarily Feels Deep Affection for New York"

"I'm happy people think it was brave and bold and brilliant—I've been told it's those things. I feel like it was more that we were tapping into something so powerful that it was more about the hugeness of the event, which is what made it probably feel bolder and braver than it was. We were just doing what we did every week, and we had to do it to keep the lights on in the office."

Brian VanHooker at Mel presents "An Oral History of The Onion's 9/11 Issue."

"Unrest Continues for a Seventh Day in Former British Colony"

"The protests began in the small province of Minnesota, located in the agrarian 'Middle West,' over the killing of an ethnic minority by state security forces.
"Protests led by the minority 'black' community have erupted throughout the country with the minority group calling for equal rights and better treatment from the government. Protesters have set fire to government installations and looted buildings throughout the country as clashes with security forces continue. The security forces have tried to disperse the protesters with tear gas, rubber bullets and batons but to no avail."

From Cod Satrusayang at the Thai Enquirer.