"Newly Discovered Documents Shed Light On Nation's Creepy Founding Uncles"

"Depsite their pasty complexions, disconcerting lack of personal hygiene, and debauched exploits, many historians have begun to view the Founding Uncles as true revolutionaries.
"'These individuals felt oppressed by the prevailing British mores of hard work, chivalry, and social propriety,' said noted historian and author Gordon S. Wood. 'Thus, they rose up in defiance, placed the weight of their libertine dreams upon their slightly hunched backs, and successfully broke free from the yoke of moral authoritarianism.'
"'Thanks to these visionaries, such moral decay is an integral part of American culture,' Wood added, 'a tradition that will endure for generations to come.'"

From The Onion.